In Guatemala I wrote a blog about finding my ministry (Are You My Mother?). At the time, it was written specific to ministry in Guatemala; and I did expect to write a part two. And yet, here I am. That blog has become somewhat of a theme for me over the past six months. I have continued to ask the Lord – what is my ministry? What am I called to? I have wrestled in particular with missions. My heritage runs deep and in many (good) ways, I have a lot to live up to. My parents exposed me to missions at an early age (right out of the womb) and they literally threw me in the deep end as a young adolescent.
By twelve I was traveling overseas by myself; encountering the pain of the world and by thirteen I was completely ruined. I’d seen too much, embraced too much to ever go back to the white picket fence dream. I couldn’t stay at home while a world right outside my door perished. And now, 10 years later, I’m on the mission field again, trying to figure out what exactly my ministry is. And over the past six months I’ve realized some of this isn’t what I was made to do.
It doesn’t really make sense to me; and I struggle with condemnation a lot. What the heck is your problem Barnes? People are dying (physically and emotionally) and you want to go back to comfortable America? And so I’ve asked the Lord that – God, what’s going on? What was I created to do? How can I be a part of changing the world? Because, while what I’m doing right now is good, it doesn’t really make me come alive. I enjoy holding babies, and my heart breaks when I hold little Elizabeth’s hand – but it’s all momentary. So God, what do I do? How do I use what I’m good at to change the world?
I’ve read books, I’ve sought wise counsel, and I continue to pray and ask the Lord. Jesus, what’s my purpose? What do you want me to do with my life? This past month the opportunity arose for me to help out on a book project and I jumped at the chance. I’ve helped my dad edit a number of his books and I love it! I love working with words. Now I am helping to compile a book about the World Race. I feel myself coming alive more and hopefully I’m still making a difference for the kingdom.
Please pray for me as I help lead this project (my forte is as an editor). Pray that God would give me wisdom and that direction would clearly flow from it. Pray that the stories he wants told would pour forth. Please pray for the writers. And pray for the Americans and other Westerners who will read it. Pray it will have an impact, that it will ignite a fire within their souls to come alive as well.
